/poems / texts:

Scroll down! What is this lyrics- page? Its u.t.t.e.r.a.n.c.e.s, my short texts, pamflets and lyrics on life events and aftermaths. Why? To live with a voice and to set focus on traumarelated dissociation and coping. And? Because knowledge bring social change, and empathy in peoples heads & hearts. My lyrics are not to be used or copied.Utterances is also for music, not for words. And is referential to those that want knowledge on thoughts by philosophers on music, and movement.

Please read my pushbutton-texts/pamflets>>>

when theyre back..probably very soon.

C

I Never:

was a man, like he,

had a , like he,

could afford a car, like he,

did eat every every meal, like he,

drinking champagne,

and on the floor:

just dry up, dry up,

just dry up, like he,

swipe it off,

swaber, clean it,

just like he.

\\\  

that he is forgetting

her as his true best

friend,

that he is forgetting

her as his true best friend

tha

* This thought on men as friends in life, because I think that the man is lost as man and human in ploying and objectivization of relationships. And relations is my project, firstly in lyrics and in tapestry.

Objektiv. Skrevet. Isedet skrevet av

blank O.

Pranking is over,

ingen over, ingen under, Situasjon. Ruler."

---

In 2016 some claimed that

I didnt write.

And then my solitary writing came

to grab my motherhood

by its tail.

Along with this, mockery

of people with traumas has

made me care less.

So I have lost my

passion for sharing lyrics.

And now I have put

my pseudonyms/alias to rest.

And decided that I shall not work without

formal meetings in the future.

(which means I once did).

Love for 2019,                            

take care.

                                                            26.04.2019

Lyrics On This Site:

These days I  publish only on this website. I dont wish to share my lyrics with anyone or anywhere but here. My lyrics is not in use for anyone, or for any project these days, but mine. But if you have found your way to this, my website, you are welcome to have a read. Nice of you to visit:) 

I got support from Kunstløftet in 2014 to do a comic-project on trauma-reactions, and will work on this as a theme (amongst others) in some of my projects a little longer. Right now the shortlyrics here on this site are  written and published over several years. They cover the core of  living in the aftermath of trauma, which is a life too many live  today. My writing about dissociation*, is done to highlight post trauma-living. As an artist I have chosen to read about and focus on Onno von der Hart, Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon and Ellert R. S. Nijenhuis thoughts on post-trauma-reactions Besides from this, my focus in lyrics has always firstly been personal, on feelings, and secondly to that on relations.

Though a direct tone- I dont write about anyone I have known or know on this site. And I have never intended to offend anyone with my lyrics.  Most  I write comes out of what I  love in life, and that is  how you and me relate, observe and reflect as friends and lovers.

All lyrics©Tonje Høydahl Sørli

Do follow me  on  Instagram:   

@tonjehoydahlsorli.

I am sometimes also on Facebook, once probably under a nickname, but today this is not my thing. So send me a friend request there, or follow Tapestry, Comics & Random Writings on fb.

24.07.2019

I- vorry- Bernardie, Bianca.

This is bugging me: I write lyrics every day. I dont give them away. Today I have over thousand lyrics written over the last four years. They are written to myself, and for those close, I dont publish them, or let them circulate. I would never ever publish them on facebook, or give them away(as I once did). Only if, If you let me know you, as a part of your life, I would perhaps, do write to and with you in mind.

All lyrics ©Tonje Høydahl Sørli

BONO-member

^Over her ligger et utkast av  oppgave-besvarelsen min i fagdidaktikk mai 2018. Den henger litt i opplastningen, så trykk på refresh/last opp siden på nytt så dukker den opp. Jeg var kanskje for ukritisk til tema jeg ville jobbe med i vev i oppgaven, som tok utgangspunkt i teori om det å ytre seg/å uttrykke seg, men jeg deler likevel oppgaven her, også fordi jeg mener den kan gi perspektiver på kunstnere i pedagogikk. Og for å ikke gi inntrykk av noe annet skriver jeg og her at jeg ikke er for et fag uten kunst og håndverk med ferdigheter. Når jeg er kritisk til ferdighetskravene som det gradvis ble mer av i norsk skole, er det fordi mange trenger dette: å være gjennom å gjøre, fremfor også da å kunne før man gjør. Referer gjerne til oppgaven, men bruker du den til dine interesser, så ikke glem å krediter meg, siden det er viktig for meg😊og riktig også forståvidt

Sth I care about:        (rettmessig innehaver av diktet er meg Tonje Høydahl Sørli, som skrev det):

chloroform isnt for a

fourteen yrs old,

lipstick neither,

and if she wanted be a woman,

she did also think he cared,

but in the toilet god.

see stains of coagulated blood,

a child always taken away,

n this is evil in me you know,

why living girls is this our world

why living girls is this our world

why living girls is this our world

in the car so quiet,

and where to drive with he,

then without a towel in the stairs,

to drain her from this life and veins,

she did think he was a vet,

the oldest in this town,

to get the curse and shame away,

she was wanted and a child with child,/plenty,

why living girls is this our world

why living girls is this our world

why living girls is this our world

n this is what they say:

willing and without shame,

when truth is threatning (he was a man) and she: a girl who tried to be kind.

why living girls is this our world

why living girls is this our world

why living girls is this our world*

* 

This lyric is my thoughts on abortion and pregnancy in very young girls, and older too of course. I believe, in Norway, we like to think of ourselves as a country that treat women and girls well. Im not to say I think so. The shaming of girls is still alive and living in this country. This perhaps isnt true to you, or perhaps it is. Myself, I believe that very few think of feminine values and virtues as important today. So listen: What is life in a stomach but to be a child, however who wants this or not, if she wants it.

^From Her point of View/

Fimo!                                      june 2019

Fimo!

say,

her hand left a mark on my chin,

she is the one,

she is the aye,

she who will make use of this

can call herself alive.

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

But Why , Ungdomskilden:

the worst thing I think, about traumatizing experiences in your youth, for those that happens to, is grief at being changed, forever not to be who you once were, feeling absolute lonely, and living in fright that those you care for could experience the same as yourself.

On me:.

I had no language for my experiences. Except to try to guard myself and those I loved. But then, I started writing, and to try to reach those I loved through lines. My lyrics I did put almost everywhere in my youth, and I gave away my lyrics as well, but I wont say I suceeded in my reaching out though(wich is what I actually tried to do), partly because I was so secretive about my lyrics. Still, my rhymes and lines are out there,  for someone to see. That again, is also a bit typical for someone like me to do, to reach out without being seen or heard, and is also why people with traumas live with a heart that is open to them that gets it, or else it keeps silent. This is my words to you as my reader, not to you as someone I know.

©Tonje Høydahl Sørli

Nyperose/Nupereller

On tapestry: I do a project now on Dog/hip-roses/ Nyperose, those you find north in Trøndelag, where I grew up.  Look:

This Spring

they say

with windows open

little is to fear,

but you know

the truth:

There are nothing more dangerous

than words,

in the bar their eyes gleiten

they want him to switch

just to have proof

if he muttered,

no but he wont:

I will never greet you as

the old friend you are

I know your gaze, posture

and hand

I remember a sentence, the shock

and smells,

in the bar their eyes gleiten

they want him to switch

just to have proof

artists learn skills noone else does

they play with genders and feelings

and become what others are

its not the same as

being a man.*

-Sørli

* To explain this lyric I write this: Many female artists and writers have done this throughout the history: taken a mans name as pseudonym, or tried to write or create with the "gusto" of a man. This because of perspectives and expectations of women, both now and then.

Perhaps this is also why summers become strange and foggy for youngsters in May:

Men før det, i bilen på vei hjem så hadde de en samtale som var omtrent slik:

Hun: (fortvilet) Hva sa jeg, altså jeg bare, sa jeg at jeg hadde skrevet en Monsterhit?

Han: Ja, nå har det snæppa for deg altså, ALLE vet jo dessuten at det er jeg som skriver låter.

Hun: Herregud så flaut.

Han: (stille)

Hun: Kanskje jeg bare et lite øyeblikk skulle ønske jeg var deg, var i dine sko. Ja, tok noen av dine eh..ja du er jo så vellykket..ikke projeksjon, hva er det, attribuerte noen av dine karaktertrekk?

Han: Godt mulig, du er jo i en fortvilet livssituasjon.

Hun: Ja,*

-Sørli

From Outer Space in a Livingroom,

26.04.2019

Spitting

yesterday she sighed:

why are they moaning as we pass,

m m m a ma ma ma ma

today I looked down,

another man spitting, all right, 

m m m m ma ma ma ma

what happend to this world,

its like every other thing we do,

will make a lense, will hurt us  back,

when we are without support,

my hand to my rinning eye,

becomes a pretend to cry,

my hand to my chest,

is just what he forgot,

a back with pain so I sigh,

is seen as a plan for mockery*

©Tonje Høydahl Sørli

* This is Norway 2019, and its five years back, that I realised: I cant talk, cse there is real hate in them, its not dialogue here anymore, but spite and venge and being on guard, and even artists now put intentions in artworks and lyrics that the maker do not have.*

* Det er trist men sant. Det jeg trodde om dialog og meningsytringer for tyve år siden har jeg gått bort fra. Det er for mye hat der ute, som jo kommentarfeltene har vist. Trakassering i det offentlige rom på bakgrunn av kunstverk eller tekst er aldri greit. Når trakassering blir en konsekvens av utadrettet virksomhet så er det vel også noen ganger vanskelig å står for sitt eget prosjekt eller lyrikk, og være sin egen støtte.

                                                    06062019

De er kjærester de og.

de to duene

har kilt hverandre lenge der i takrenna nå

sånn ligger de lavt med fjørene tett inntil,

og eggene jeg så i forrige uke vet jeg ikke hvor er,

men så har hun altså en venn, en kjæreste,

tenker jeg lettet der hun pjuskes mildt,

og så er det meg jeg tenker på,

alt jeg ser av skog og furu, og dyr som venter små,

mens jeg har ligget lavt jeg og,

uten noen her inntil,

det er forgjeves, det gettoen har gjort,

sier jeg så stille, og venter regnskyll,

så der må de være i kveld,

for ungene henger rundt et sted. Berge dem fra uværet.

Og menn i dress rusler liketilt forbi,

i telefonen masserer de konene. Og smiler halvhjertet til stien i livet sitt.*

*Denne teksten må jo forklares også. Den handler om alle ord man kan si feil, og hvem sier hva, og hvor vi er i livet når vi ikke har det vi vil. Denne teksten handler også om livet i bakgården der jeg jobber, der duer prøver ruge egg i takrenner gjennom sommer-stormer, og den handler litt om det å miste sitt prosjekt til en venn som trengte penger, som ikke var der for meg da jeg like etter trengte det.

Tip. Daniel Kvammen, , LINK to his music video.

Environmental written 13.03.2019

its just this,**

its not into, not anything, to me,

but living, and try living like nthing got into me,

and pull him with me on a sky in my head,

and that string, with two,

in opposite ends,

I cant meet someone caring

when he is within, is within.

Awhile I make amends,

the world is slowly turning,

turning on us all,

with heat and no bargain,

no trust, just leaving afraid.

little bee, and acres,

the smallest little things,

for people to realise

we are not living when living too scared .*

*Yes I know this looks like doom and nothing else matters, but this is what I care about: our living in harshy environments and unliving guests. This is my finger to myself and everyone

in my surroundings: this time isnt for fun, its for living with care and thought for other lives.

-Sørli

Summer in my studio, and this struck me.

 I chose Only

i work alone

by heart, and head alone,

and my hands,

alone.

-Sørli

Walking With Roses

walkwithroses

Se viktige serier og filmer som Skam og Hva vil folk si

V

V

Numbing and Immobility

they say this movie

is a cultureshock

well, we make too many

a girls life a hell

like shame and honour dont exist

in white middleclass

------

if you find yourself in offices or in schools with silenced and frightened youngsters, help them

-Sørli

En liten tekst om hat og elsk, feb 2019

vi holdt oss sammen,

på grunnlag av hav

og av et norsk slaveri

hvor tekst kjøpes,

og selges for ingenting.

det blir irriterende

når enden på visa er,

at ansvar og møter

gir andre informasjon

og endringsintiativ.

skjerm gir lys i sjelen,

ikke sant, men krøkes

det  virkelig tekster

i verden, det er

mitt spørsmål

i teksten her:

På bakgrunn av avstand fra meg til deg når jeg er skribent: Er jeg nå forfatter av et dikt som ingen forstår som annet enn hat. Uroer det deg da at navnet på forfatteren er tatt bort senere og erstattet med et annet, så vit at det aldri handlet om møter med vennskap i bunnen.

    Det er lite i dag som engasjerer mer enn debatt om debatt, men hva ventet vi oss som ikke er blitt hørt som den vi var. Forelskelse og elskede er ikke meningen bak vers om hat, det som er der er vel heller fordummende tøv om noe som ikke engang har vært levende. Og nå: er dette noe jeg skrev, eller er dette skrevet av deg? Eller hun? Han? En rekke bøker ligger der og har ikke blitt lest en gang.  Men hva gjemmer seg mellom sidene annet enn noe som burde blitt lest uten at hat var lagt til grunn for forståelse, at innsikt da forsvinner er åpenbart.*

*teksten er skrevet som en slags kommentar til kommentarfelt-debatten..

Elana, Spind 1982

she in the cottage,

walking into water with her, feet,

it was little toe, and then the hand,

she hug me and I saw her as friend,

she read to us,

in her kitchen,

the book of Ferrante,

but me a a a a ame me only 5 yrs old,

till I got to her door,

where she had turned her face down,

she said she was another, another,

than herself,

and I saw her head when,

when we passed as neighbours in the street.*

-Sørli

* This lady was my neighbour at Sørlandet, where I lived for four years. She told me people thought of her as crazy. But I cared for her, and I liked her playfulness, and her love for books(literature).

The Ferry is Gone

you know nothing about what i just did,

and its not with subtle irony you stand there,

with your hand done to fist around strawberry jam,

me: i used to hold things,

and i used to stroke,

just to be here and to keep in touch,*

-Aa

Sørli 

* For those that struggle with aftermaths: Hands are essential. To hold and to have in your hand sth, as a stone, a cone, anything, will help you to stay in the here and now.

Waves of Guilt,        15.03.2019

Friday Morning

tried to start the day

with Pretty Pimpin,

by Kurt Vile,

then I turned to

Closer My God,

of Mikko Joensuu,

just to remind

myself of how the thirties

slowly changed to forty,

n cant anything but say

we always used to

see things in a humoristic way,

but then crosses come, right,

n as we are turning grey,

most of us rightly closer to a god,

but then, this morning, we started to sing,

with a little musicly guilt

One uf Us,

one of is,

yes, always in love.*

-Sørli

* Musikk gjør livet bedre, men hva gjør du med musikken?

Den burde jo overstrøs som krymmel men blir bare hufset vekk inn i ungdomstid og selvforakt. Men her i mitt hjem, sang vi i dag, også gikk vi til skole og jobb med roser i kinnene tross alt.

Thoughts on Ferrantes book 1, 30 july 2017 :

:

Its A book Written to  a Brother & with love

Scarecrows & Widgets

Brother(as in Friend), where to put this anger.

I cant anything but see.

Brother, where to put this anger. I cant anything but see what scared me as a child still scares me. Men, their aggression and fights with or without fists. And then, as from the sidewalk, or in some window, from the side: what did you all become. The morning was mocking me, this pile of books off from some mans hand between thighs. In a daydream, he came by, said, do you remember, or did you close your eyes to them bullying us, and I: no lyar, dont do this to me, what else than to put him down and regress into writing instead. And to find words elsewhere.

-Tonje Høydahl Sørli

*To sympathize with the aggressor= In relation-ships: simply said, to, out of fear, take the perspective of the one who scares you instead of the one friendly.

^Pamfletten over skal være første kapittel av Luskende, og er del av et prosjekt jeg startet på i 2015 om musikk, relasjoner og glemsel. Postet her og skrevet kun for denne nettsiden. Ta en kikk.  

Pamflettene er fjernet herfra. De trenger et bedre format.

Thom Yorke striking in London*

this is a a a

this i i i i i sis

evening boost

my tapestries in row,

on on oh its on

powerstruggle,

being small vs big, or strong,

what makes he

not greet me,

but, before I go,

to claim I am leaving

as Anna,

when I came as

myself, artist and mum,

Anna leaves, oh

then Anna leaves,

then to take her little hand,

earlier they had gathered, twenty dark youngsters at Walthamstow Central,

the speaker screamed:

this is evacuating alarm,

we found a sign to

the gallery and me

as always pretending

that everything was fine,

buying icecream,

and the riot disappeared,

Anna leaves, oh

then Anna leaves,

waking up without sleep,

they shrieked past my window all night,

the smell of

garbage and London

built on the old,

so then I listened to the

neighbours talk.

I did pretend to be them,

them with the talk,

of couse,

till our flight was

cancelled,

and I rebooked and

then we left.

Wave then to this,

remembered stillness

in a friend:

He gazed behind,

over his shoulder,

as I once did,

oh Dear Yorke, this is,

why do we do this work,

like this, its nothing but pain, is it.

Anna leaves, oh

then Anna leaves.

-Sørli

* I used to have names.  And I used to be proud of them. So this

lyric is written with a

thought on that.

Stein/Saks/Papir

    So, this I have written on this page: Do: catch the tone and tune, love, satire, humour or sarcasm, in a text or lyric. 

    I write this because lyrics are easily to misunderstand. To instance I once wrote a lyric on tools you use in workshops. This lyric some found strange to say it without the right word. This lyric had layers that wasnt read: to instance that on abusive relationships. 

    Also this is the reason I dont share my lyrics anylonger: To have intentions on sharing to change how people treat each other, and be one of them that use words to do that, isnt longer what I will or want.

^Pamfletten over er andre kapittel av Luskende,  

Thirteen, Seventeen, 1996/97/98

crybaby

crybaby see

what are they,

I cant see them human, please,

my brothers back on the bike,

and his frightened rushing,

while this agent stood in the stairway,

he told me in childish words:

how difficult it is to drive all this

fucking way,

yesterday he had droven into the coast,

between Nærøy and Vikna, yes almost blind,

but the lyrics please?

I told him it was written by hand,

and had been sent off with someone else:

"he came by last week,

with a stringent look and a occupied mind,"

and with a laugh, yes he

laughed,

---*----

come, lets bike, its autumn,

we will find a way to grieve,

yes this is us blinded,

and we lost again, *

-Sørli

* This lyric is on writing when young and trusting. And also on how it is to see those you love in distress.

^ Pamfletten over er sjette kapittel av Luskende. Siste versjon.

  Do: catch the tone and tune, love, satire, humour or sarcasm, in a text or lyric.

I am not ironic here on my page though,

Ingenting

Hukommelsessykdom sies det av og til om noen bieffekter ved traumer. Det er ikke en god forklaring. Og

minnebroer lages ikke av slitne kommentarer, men av vennskap og gode relasjoner. 

Radiohead,

Oslo Spektrum 6th June 2017

Alle Ble Flaue/ Aa Bb Fau

Aaa Bbbb Faaau

(efil ym fo flaH)

(half of my life I fooled my loved)

Thoughts on daydreaming and a concert,

writing then as some strange lady

amongst audience,

and how do we listen to noise,

its in the background,

and what I hear is on

men in a row

they love(hope that you) it when you choke,

happy to serve you, was he,

Thom Yorke and every true musician,

no glam or glitter,

but knowledge, warmth and a strange glare,

some affects perhaps,

moves o a girl I cannot see,

she moves her body and Thom

does too,

sweetfaced ones that

we all can love,

thats whats happen when

you think youre in place,

perhaps a future in a song,

creator has a kit to make

an identity to come forth

in a once loved,

sadly, Groundhogday makes

no way,

no, truth will mess you up,

the true tale of your life will mess you up,

him a grey jacket, that hair,

always a new door, endless corridors

and then the sudden smirk.

All this just to say:

lovenlove to Radiohead.

Random Call 1

In 2013 I lost a hard disk/drive  with lots of lyrics, ideas, photoes, manuscripts and also ideas for exhibitions on. It was black, shimmery, and  also grey in color, and it disappeared from Kampen Slott where I lived. Seen it? Leave a note (sigh)*.

Random Call 2

In 2016 my piece When Grief Comes, with bluebirds, music, hammock ++ was stolen from an outdoor exhibition in Ask, outside of Gjerdrum community house.  My favourite piece!  Seen it:  email me.

Sailing in Stripes*

uniform at sea

it a salty eye and candyme

sayin you are my only friends,

made me feel sorry for all of us,

and then as always someone faked a traged death

me crying then to pier

and lay lifless as always too

in printed summerdress

and then you lifted your glass

evil and unmature

or was it me imagining your

cruelty

salty eye, queen and Anna(e)

salty eye, queen and Anna(e)

king and all the rest

cowardice was to never tell the truth

wood, wood,

I see your mother

And now I am scaring you.

©Tonje Høydahl Sørli

This is why, With a referance to Bakhtin and his thoughts on polyphony, I Write and Make Art:

Industriell Rock.

industri med bismak., liten tid til treff i helga. gikk forbi i 5 minutter. mistet røyken. mistet umbreroen. gikk mot henne i 2 minutter. gikk inn igjen. mistet tiden underveis. gikk pervo på pcen hennes. tok ansvar etterpå, og lot være å gi henne filene. dro på ferie. gikk langt på ferien. likte mange bilder på insta. gikk tur med bøfler også gikk jeg ikke mot henne etter det. etter det ble jeg liten og bortgjemt. så gikk det bort alt sammen. morsomt med musikk i livet mitt. det liker jeg. men så er jeg musiker egentlig. ikke sånn som du tror. istedet gikk det ikke. minsten ble redd og så gikk det ikke bra. han lot være å si ifra, til det er altfor få likegyldige og derfor har jeg mistet fokus.*

* Slik som dette skrev jeg for 16 år siden. Ikke her på nettsiden, som ikke er eldre enn 4-5 år, men inn i et skjema for bilder til en utstilling. Senere mistet jeg teksten, som ikke er helt utrolig til meg å være, siden jeg alltid skrev, men som du likevel vil se av nettsiden min

formidler jeg at jeg savner tekster og manus, som ikke er i mine hender lenger. Blant annet derfor har jeg skrevet litt om Mikhail Bakhtin, og hans tanker om ytringer, og det å bli sett og hørt. Det jeg liker med tekst er å være min egen sjef, uten å ha noen som involverer seg eller bestemmer hva jeg kan si eller ikke. Derfor mener jeg også at alvor er der, ikke ironi eller avvisning. For hvis jeg ikke kan si, hvor står jeg da som menneske? Dette og da med Bakhtins tekster om respekt for den andres stemme, og ulikhet, i tankene.

Music. innskutt. setning./snurr film /hestehale/hodefoting

iiii messages

i i messages

music

Id do it again

Id do it again

I I I I messages

I I messages

you me

me am you

its you in me’

and you me

in

I I I I messages

I I messages

music

Id do it again

Id do it again *

-Sørli

* your voice. your thoughts. your feelings.

Bakhtin is my refernce on this,

Tender Plants to Grow This Year

Im the

bid me

but I

I am

of

they make use of my

but then I

I never show

I never show

you know, I never show

Im little little

brittle

lights and movecontrol

waking up in fright

keeping out of sight

see their gardens growing

blooming, taking over

greens and yellows

flowerbuds and watery leaves

--- .---

I hid in your mothers

behind bushes

she telling me to leave

oh please

I begged,

let me have a face

but Im little little,

brittle,

lights and movecontrol

I never show

I never show

you know, I never show*

-Sørli

*when to have a voice and be part of. and to participate in change is my project, and then losing my anthem and favourite lyrics or works, getting nothing sold, just given away.. this will change you and your interest in this world. Many years ago women in exile experienced this kind of neglectfull behavoir from their families and environments. Still I think this is a changing world, but we have little to give each other when every other human is giving in vain.*

*added 21.10.2019, Sørli

Manhood

laugther filled

but then you are

an instrumentalist

to the core

my hand against

your neck to

put the collar right

your comment

on this

would be

already you are

correcting me

my hand against

your neck to

put the collar right

it my grandma

hands in move from

inside me

and I never questioned

it to be anything but

care.*

© Tonje Høydahl Sørli

* and I still think it is: an act of care.

Reverse in Hand & Backwards Give

oh why

dont give me

whats mine,

50 000 from my

solitary fund

and she wouldve

had a room on her own

did he regret it

as he stopped

my reverse in hand

no dont do this to me

I I I  that wrote songs

and verses from my

little town

we sat on the beach

and he fell in love

with any other than me

piles of books and him

perhaps as south

as any man

in north can be

so you lay me down

said

if you dont behave

your belt lit a light

till I scratched myself *

left marks

on my chest

didnt I

him road

was a backwards give

said

did you hurt yourself

or me

-Sørli

* This lyric is written to describe retraumatisation by violence, and self harm. To inflict self harm is a way to control your feelings. Its a normal reaction to/after abnormal experiences or abuse, but often scary to  witness for those you love. If you know anyone that inflict self-harm, know its a language thats about outer harm turned inward. Help him/her to get calm, help him/her get out of harming relations, and in the length he/she will also need help to place shame where it belongs.

Dissociated Gaze*, To Those that Stay Inspired by Lyrics on Trauma:

c`mon

c`mon

you a true

should not

stand in line to mock

frozen gazes,

dissociated states

frozen gazes, 

and x5

oh ah I am a true believer

but in justice no not anymore

your hand without blood

and arm swings

from the carrying of you

body without any feeling

how then to defend

yourself

well, I will tell you:

The real trouble is,

you cant,

c`mon

c`mon

we all have faults,

but what of beliefs

later you ask:

why did you not

scream,

but people in frozen states

and immobility

dont talk or fight

and later

that colors everything

*Dissociated gaze:/stare Dissociating is a mental process that causes a lack of connection in someone’s thoughts, memory and sense of identity. Its a sort of  disconnecting from reality or feelings that are overwhelming. Dont laugh of, or mock someone that struggle with dissociation after trauma, instead I suggest you give him or her a hug.

-Sørli

Committed By

Ordinary Canary, Salute

its a sad

he said

youll never recover

so they put forth some road

a bar, night, oh its commitment

to remember oneself

through new versions

thrown all over

helpfull, please see,

what if your own moments

walked right through me

might I render them,

and put em on instagram,

but I am not you,

I forget to mention

your inner feel,

proud or sad,

some gutfeel that say:

this is all so wrong.

it was me, leaning back

I was proud,

some V in my hand

oh back then

I was writer to a band

-Sørli

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The Hit & All Offended

Giblets, Gibbons, Burglar,

My Last Song(2017)

are awaiting

are awaiting

a break down

7 year old

7 year old

song

20 year million

20 year million

song

with no friends

in music buisness

its bisniss

they say

she lives in a one room

apartment

but

we want the world to bow

in the hall of fame

we are nothing but burglars

and,whatever,

noone will know.

Kärlekens vånda & krigets

helvete

Letter too, 12.07.2018

Denne teksten er ment som en kommentar til de som velger å avføye metoo. Likevel er mitt perspektiv at det å offentliggjøre folk ikke burde høre med som en del av metoo. Å sette lys på erfaringer som skader eller gjør utrygg, i oppvekst, utdanningsløp, tidlig karriere eller yrkesliv, var en gang mitt ønske for en metoo-bevegelse i Norge.  Drop-out understreket dette i 2004.

*

det er lenge siden jeg skrev til deg,

jeg pleide det, Kjære Du, og hilsen:

Evig Din. Du var dagboka mi. Men selv

ikke i deg skrev jeg om sånt som

tidlig skremte meg. I dag tenker jeg

det var fordi jeg ikke hadde et

vokabular om eller en innsikt i

sånt som var motsatsen til det å

være god, som gjorde at jeg kunne

skrevet om det. Det var ikke ord der,

i forhold til de som handlet og valgte slemt, men heller følelser, reaksjoner og handlinger.

I dag står det igjen om megogså på nett,

og jeg tenker noe som forsvinner, og som og bør nevnes

i debatten om hvem som "egentlig

trakasserer": kvinner eller menn,

er psykisk vold. Som er en vold som dessuten

ofte kommer før fysisk vold.

Psykisk vold er det å bølle med,

herme etter, avvise, neglisjere, isolere,

ignorere, nekte å høre på, dominere,

gjøre mindre, true, invalidere, la

være å inkludere, diskreditere, benekte,

kritisere, og kommandere.

Er ikke det da, slik, at den som nekter

å ta inn over seg #metoo, megogså,

som en del

av en virkelighet mange kvinner lever i, egentlig på indirekte vis driver med den samme volden som var med på å kickstarte hele #metoo bevegelsen?

Og hva slags følelser oppstår i farvannet av det å igjen få sitt perspektiv og sine erfaringer avvist annet enn følelser som følger nettopp psykisk og fysisk vold? Som avmakt, skam, redsel, følelse av skyld,

depresjon, pessimisme, unngåelse

og tristhet.

Å leve i stillhet

for å slippe å bli avvist burde ikke

være et valg. Så da skriver jeg til den

som har problemer med #metoo, megogså:

lytt i stedet for å fortsette den neglekten det å avvise andres stemmer er.

-Tonje Høydahl Sørli

Sweet Faced Ones

We All Can Love*

as I walked by

her eyes hit your cheek

side by side

in your window

you lowered your head

oh no no

this i thisi girl

is in love

thisi girl

this i thisi girl

is in love

-Sørli

Glances

I used to write

I used to write

I used to reach out

all uf us frightened

and only in the teens

but then they turned and smiled

as if I had some evil plan

she had this little dress

and flowers

sth else than me

but then I realised we all

had to go to a mans door

my hand he hit down, down,

into the floor,

I used to write

I used to write

I used to reach out*

all uf us frightened

and only in the teens

but then they turned to say:

I know who you are writing of**

* Why? Hurt is awful.

** Finding yourself in others writings isnt fun. Myself? I actually very seldom

write of people I know.

*** So this lyric is on being young. And writing about it later. And the look people can get when they think youve written about them.,

-Sørli

De er Vakter,

Song om Gjesping og Du er Vakker

jeg gjespet visst,

i i i stad,

akkurat da du sa

at du hadde klippet gresset

og leste 8 bøker,

at du savnet kjæresten og da, i faren din sin hage,

og snart har jeg fri,

men oj jeg gjespet visst,

jeg gjespet visst,

i i i stad,

akkurat da hun var fyr og flamme,

over en match eller noe,

jeg gjespet visst,

i i i stad,

akkurat da du sa hadetbra,

og vi hadde ikke sett hverandre

på sikkert 18 måneder,

og da gikk du litt bryskt,

og uka etter,

gikk visst alle og gjespet,

de gjorde det overtydelig,

og bare når de så på meg,

og hvis jeg pratet

gjespet ikke du og jeg: sammen,

fordi du visste

jeg slet med søvn.*

-Sørli

* knapt en ferdig tekst, og den handler om gjesping og det at noen triangulerer.

All lyrics. ©Tonje Høydahl Sørli

Shore

come with me

and lend some warmth in hand

this tsi is some other lovesong

but then the loss of time

wont you come running after me

waking up with green leaves

no

had the feeling

you stood back there and cried,

tears for you and me

-Sørli

Arrival

I see his smile

in you

you

I see his smile

in you

you

I hear his laughter too

in you

you

and

his way,

his

how are the words he tell

does he whisper,

what does he do,

they owe me

in all their human ways?

Though even Bob Dylan

says winners are not like him,

so we will enter the outside

and walk in mud,

and thats when

we realize:

We always lived our indoor

lives in surround.

-Sørli

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Utested, Trondheim, starten av 2000-tallet en gang

han har sett så redd ut nå i lange tider,

hvorfor slenger folk dritt etter han, det er som om det blomstrer opp et hat der han og jeg er,

til jeg skjønner det: der de har forskanset seg rundt et bord i hjørnet, de roper Æsj, og sniktitter på oss som bare tar en øl, Pervo roper de,

han vil så gjerne slippe denne gjengen mer,

så han ler og spiller meg:

litt mer avmålt og kjølig blikk,

men så, etter uker med hersing

klarer jeg ikke mer- jeg snur meg og roper Pervo tilbake til gutta med sleik, Hore skriker de til svar, og ler høyt.

Dette er over 15 år siden, og starten på et liv med avmaktsfølelse, som ofte følger med mobbing.

Pervo var et ord unge i Nord-Trøndelag brukte i oppveksten min. Ble vi sinte og sure var det et ord vi kunne slenge fra oss. I gjengen som terget på utestedet den gangen, satt flere jeg kjente til fra før.

Selv om jeg skrev ironisk da som nå, streifet aldri tanken meg:

at noen kunne bruke en tekst senere, der Pervo var brukt som i

å sette grenser, for å plage noen som aldri hadde «vært pervo» i utgangspunktet.

For meg er og forblir Pervo et uttrykk fra en oppvekst i nord, som jeg ikke ville sagt med

mindre jeg hadde en god grunn.

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1  Bloom! & Jolly Future!

2. Pressure & Motherhood, this is theme in the piece Bloom! & Jolly Future! 

So This is Where We Have Met,

aaaa

so this is where we met

some harsh lit in yours

as I say

this is where we met

neck

aaaa

so this is where we met

a yard, a stair,

aaaa

truth is

a

I dont remember a thing

tongue

aaa

so this is where we met

giggle

mmm

aa

I dont remember

any

of

you

scar

mmm

then mock me

aaa

till this ends again

down

are there really none

that will not turn and whisper as I leave

in the corner of my eye

this what I see:

giggle, say

the guys made me

oh thats what you are

some gang of friends

that have not yet realized

how to greet

the one we love.

-Sørli

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They Knew About the Brain

Female Gaze

is

on

Hands

To turn

around and

there you stood

tan an all

Batman

gav ham et manus

dette kan vi ikke lage bok av

sa han

FFF*

high heels heading out-

I was told to leave a lovers night,

heard him whisper

fff

fff

fff

as I walked,

oh no oh

my pinkerbell,

I that got so many things to tell,

had a folder

with that name,

started in a kitchen 2000,

a sudden comfort

from a man

gave me a secret crush,

so

I wrote poems

that later accidently ended in all ears

fff

gone, of course,

who I wrote back then

was of a brochy family,

but thats oh so long ago

(17)(or so)

(Later fff* became a off pist web thing, that I lost to someone else.)

(*fff is of course also a song by Bebe Rexha)

-Sørli

Ingenting

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Fab

but, we dont walk in gold

sometimes we dont even eat x2

artists are poor,

try that,

and youll get the

feeling of true feeling.

and then you can follow me.

But me being forgetful, I suppose that already has happened.*

* this lyric has a referance to 4 Disney/Pixar movies: Vaiana, Finding Dory, The Boss Baby, and possibly Frozen. + of course my inner circle of friends.

Nähe, Thankful Song

Thought On

the ballet Sleepless Beauty,

Nasjonalballetten,

Oslo 7ht May 2017

Persefone & the rest

it a mans hand on your chest and neck

and me walking into

the foajé

as I say abuse, abuse, abuse

to lay in love

is to have man above

till the mothers eyes

turn sore

blackn white suites

and them holding apartments

for little lovers

without regard to any other

like a child walking into

sleepless nights as her mum

working double shifts again

couldnt that make

a beauty, blackened eyes

till the mountain as a curtain

his finger pointing to th sky

and then they fold

her green dress and possible

evil plans for futuristic towns,

till the end that I loved:

Curtain, drapery, and the

lift of her

yes

he lifted her.

-H Sørli

Visit My Deliberate

Homepage Damn It!

feelings, feelings,

and then you write

friend fiend and brother

wound wound and bother

talk is not

its in your hand and your movement

looking at veins again

is she activated

activating is

feelin

struggle and a,

has to save bird from cat

oh so little,

beeking

yellow chest and rapid heart

open windows

tell me

ideas ideas and then you write,

wigs and lipstick, vodka plastic

along a slope

do you remember, oh well,

 I dont,

write me how to thrive

while your past repeat your traumas.

-Sørli

Lines, on Motivation, in Norwegian

hvis eg skreiv, verkeleg skreiv og ikkje oppfatta dette med hovudet i skyane og ballongar under føtene så ville eg ha spurt kan eg skrive på nynorsk for det var eg god til på ungdomsskulen der eg hadde verdas beste norsklærarinne er nynorsken min no blitt kavete og rar så var det ein gong ho som hjalp og lærte meg å skrive skildringar eller var det da ho krevde det av klassen at eg oppdaga korleis eg såg på verda for vi skulle skrive ei skildring, ja eit sommerminne, og da skreiv eg korleis det var å rusle opp Karl Johan ein sommerdag alle luktane og lydane, bandet som spelte i gata, og ein gut som kikka på meg og så las ho mi stil høgt som så mange gonger seinare, for klassen, eg prøvde hardt å ikkje bli for stolt, men kvifor, endeleg var det noko eg verkeleg kunne, som akkurat eg var god på, eg kunne skrive, og om det seinare skulle bli noko som ble brukt mot meg så visste eg det ikkje da, heldigvis, det var lenge før folk stimla saman over ein pc på ein fest mens dei kikka spakt på meg og mumla at dei skulle finne noko, vi finn dei ikkje, filane er borte, ikkje sant, ja, men kva hvis eg hadde ein motivasjon anna enn å skrive om det eg såg og hørte fordi eg samla på sånt, så skal eg åpenhjerta nå si til deg at hei, eg har kapsla inn desse minnane, dette hendte meg, og eg har ikkje sagt dei til nokon, og då dei hadde vokse og brunne opp inne i meg til eg ikkje orka meir så putta eg dei inn i ei ramme og den ramma heitte ei forteljing, og hvis du finn forteljinga vil du kanskje klare å se dei øyeblikka som eg egentlig ville si deg men som eg ikkje turde  på grunn av ei trussel om utsletting, og det er sørgeleg men det er menn, dei øyeblikka og den utslettinga  er menn. Og eg skal leve kvar dag med hovudet på denne halsen og ryggen og eg skal fortsatt ikkje vise at det som kan skake nokon inn i ei anonym tilværelse er menn, for så tidleg, altfor tidleg tråkker unge jenter inn i menn, eller er det omvendt, men ja dei har nett  sprunge ut med frekner over nasen og små knoppar av bryst, ja akkurat da tar ei grov hand tak i deg ikkje sant og du skjøner at no for alltid så må eg være på vakt, og det berre fordi du ikkje er eit barn lengre.

Someone to Watch over Me

jeg hører på jazz og katten

ett ullpledd og, da jeg var nitten

sa det hissig i meg,

dro Min Besværlige Venninne

til Italia og ble soloartist,

da jeg var nitten, sa det,

puttet jeg en mann i en

kvinnes sko bare fordi jeg

var redd for ham,

ligger det i nakken

for den bøyer jeg

men som nittenåring,

han hadde svarte øyne

og det kvikke blikket,

han satt på rommet mitt

og var imponert over en oppgave

jeg hadde skrevet om det tidligere

Jugoslavia, en gjest i en gruppe

mennesker fra krig hadde landet

på en folkehøyskole i Norge,

men hvorfor fikk han

Den Besværlige Venninna

med seg, jeg husker ikke,

den selvbevisste og veslevoksne Venninna mi, satt han på et tog, skramlet gjennom

Europa, mens han sølte kaffe på henne?

En flekk her, og en flekk der,

som blåe ringer under øyne,

nei, en gang stablet jeg ham

på beina, han var uten pust,

jeg vet ikke,

mennesker med lyter,

vi gir hverandre lite,

mens vi vet altfor godt hva

verden trenger,

og hvis jeg møtte ham igjen

ville jeg ikke nevne 

eller noe annet,

for jeg har glemt

og 

I Am Another,

shuffled through the streets

a tired santa with

his white beard

came to my door

and said he was

another too

: I am a woman deep

inside, was that

the thing then,

: Just as you are

a man,

his eyes were scared,

so I thought, oh no

I know who sent you

to climb my stairs,

once I saw that in

m m m m m  too,

and to say goodbye to

people that I like,

yes Id rather stand in

a crowd

and see you do well

on stage,

and now to tell you:

I was never a man,

but once, in a moment,

I took a mans best traits

just to survive.

-Sørli

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 they say she is gone, 1498

perhaps she is a victim of modern marketing strategies! 

Batman

gav ham et manus

dette kan vi ikke lage bok av

sa han

Closure

Friends, I have

-Sørli

They Knew About the Brain

Truth Hurts

sorrow lost and sorrow won

did you get

what I`ve been plundering(ja jeg har altså plyndret på dette)* on:

I have

a blooming brain.

(song ref Sun has Gone, Broken Twin)

-Sørli

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The Quilt and the Beggar 1/Woman in Tower

of Song

When Talking, /Humour and the Spirit that Slipped of the Page or / When I Tried to Stop Being the Altruistic and Anonymous Writer but Failed and Started  a Yearlong Mourning /

When Talking

I didn`t

All lyrics ©Tonje Høydahl Sørli

That is what a text once was about: The trigging everyday life in the aftermaths of traumatic experiences. Be kind.

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Whats the lyrics about? 11 april 2017

This is from me when listening.

Listening then, as a mother: To Wide Lovely Eyes from the Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds album Push the Sky Away-2013.

Wide Lovely Eyes

its Hide & Seek, and a song to a child, yes- I get the impression that the lyrics is written to a child, so:

The mother stands in the window as the father takes their child to child-care. Though everyone does, it feels strange to send the child away all day. As a family they are still working on that: The absence of child to get work done. And the child,

to cope with the absence of mom and dad. The child, with a small childs open eyes, and strides in her dress, waves to her mother, saying goodbye with her hands that still cant wave, instead they look like butterflies with fluttering wings, butterflies bending, and she is waving butterflies into the sky, and her mother answers the waving,  or  does the perspective change here, does she - the mother, suddenly,  see herself as from  a loved ones perspective: His eyes on her  as her brain  implodes and her hands goes up, up, a goodbye to a man, no,

and when she gets to her computer she wonders what world her child now caves into, perhaps a magical landscape that she  herself

has  left, yes through a tunnel of leaves down to the sea, and as grown-ups we can only try to imagine what our children do all day, and how they struggle to cope without their guides in life for many hours in row, yes ,

grown-ups close down the fun fair in our minds, and the the competitiondrive in men end up  killing mermaids and creativity, and so we try to

keep the real threats of terror away by telling jokes.

In the experience of becoming a mum her brain is expanding, growing, the world is full of  worry, and that while she and all organize surroundings to cope, and try to fill gatherings of friends with laughter,

and yes, me, sometimes I miss organizing shoes after shoesize and color and to look onto the world with curiosity.

Or as some girl said,

after she accidently had over-

heard a grownup conversation:

 Næmanæmma died? She  asked

with a serious look in her eyes. And I jumped at her having heard

my words, which were not

for her ears, and  at her

already there to look for

answers I was afraid to

give. So, the world has

changed, I, we know.

And thats what 

Wide Lovely Eyes

reminded me of.

-Sørli

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(its a bargain for lost souls)

too many start

their careers with looking down

Losers Can Win(ref Starwalker)/

Raining Giftful Giving

put page

and looking through appendix

me a

a a a ame

that small pony suits me

and we`re friends, the dog and me,

so pony, dog

any cats too, and a guinea pig perhaps,

cause we`re thoughtful

and now I tell:

listen, pony, cat, dog,

everyone seem to think

they know my inside head

mmm

mm

mna a a a

his ex or some across

the table

looked at me with spite,

mmmm

mmm

aaaamnnnnaa

tree, tree,

use in us

-Sørli

Whats the lyrics about? 

17th June 2017

My Manic And I,

Laura Marling,

Å ha ei lyte/skade

(credits to some that showed me this song) Listening then as someone that once lost a ring, and too as with the writing tendencie to find my

own story in anything:

The morning is mocking

and the birds are singing to calm them down,

My Manic And I

The fairy tale end

noone beleived it,

keep your head up

cse some still have,

of brothers and cousins and

evenings with friends,

others have become the manic,

& stand in trials to tell

that there`s no no illness in me,

no I am harmed by relations

like in the past,

and cse him,

met you with a hardened look,

down by that river filled with ducks,

you girl went too far

well,

one day his eyes were blue,

the next brown,

scorn & silent face,

and the travel of words on you as

a living hell

is emotional abuse my friend

so you dont believe him,

no but what with the confusing feeling of someone

that is hot or cold,

so you become the manic,

their faces filled with anothers

instead of their own,

so who are you then,

someone like Lenü,

but her aspirations in your way,

so he says

this is enough,

we went to far,

this is why we are ill,

and of a sudden

In the middle of the concert

he`ll get the throw,

her words a gift, I know,

with a beautiful voice,

no, whats the point in writing

songs* if noone really

hear you.

*its a referance in a referance!

The Wronged

:she

:he

:shrink

the shrink said

there are two types of

violence:

One is physical,

the other is psychological,

and the psychological

often comes first,

its the silence in between,

the secret smiles and little laughters

its the neglect of feelings, the

public mocking and emotional shield

is the sudden turnings, gaslighting

and no regrets

is the withdraw, the no answer,

you as noone and the other without

dissociative tendencies

-S

To a Specialist, On Musicality

yu were so so wrong(x2)

yu were so so wrong(x2)

yu were so so wrong(x2)

lyrics without musicality

well, perhaps you should try to sing them

staccato

staccato

staccato

I bet you`d get them working then.

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